Why most of us don’t get help, until its too late.

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”- Buddha

Most of us have memories, as children, of being told “Want not, Waste not”-the emphasis being on WANT NOT. Primarily, our caregivers using this very line tried to imbibe in us the discipline of not wanting more than what is required and I for one, a boarding school kid with National Cadet Corp experience, am all for discipline. Yes, of course, I do have my ‘sleeping-in late’ days and barely checking into work on time but I do believe that maintaining a certain form of discipline keeps you in check- satisfies the need to be in control of your life.

However, I recently turned a year older and have been reflecting on the kind of person I was and who I want to be and what are the boundaries I would like to have that would make adulting a comfortable process- and I can’t help but think why it took me to a whole year to get the help I needed, despite being aware of all the red flags.

To sum it up, I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had reached a spot of extreme vulnerability. Ashamed that I had let myself down. Ashamed that I needed help to get my shit together.

Ashamed of wanting. Wanting to address my feelings. Wanting a support system. Of just wanting and needing.

You see, growing up in a societal culture that does not talk about mental health issues while constantly reinforcing to its growing generation the need to be self-reliant and independent, is just the tip of the ice-berg of how ill-prepared we are as a generation to take on the world. The truth is that it has been subtly guzzled into our consciousness’ that we must ONLY want something that makes collective sense to the people around us, even if it is wanting to speak to a professional to address our emotional needs.

I speak from personal experience when I say that other than shame, the hesitancy to ask for help can be essentially narrowed down to two most common scenarios.

First, we are told that our feelings are simply inside our heads and they should not be given much thought. Now, I am in no encouraging any of us to dwell on our negative emotions (that is way more harmful) but in essence, what I am trying to say is that we are discouraged for even having those feelings, leave alone talking about them. How many times have we heard “It’s just in your head” or the more common one, “You’re being way too emotional.”

Second, we are guilted. Guilted of not only wanting to legitimize what or how we’re feeling but also guilted into being made to feel how privileged we are that our situation is not AS BAD as another person. How often are people who barely have begun to recognize their emotional needs, have had their traumas compared?

“But you do not have AS BAD as him/her?” “ You should be grateful that you have a house over your head/ a great job/ parents who are alive, etc.”

Again, I am a firm believer in practicing gratitude. Doing a regular gratitude-check exercise, where one lists out five things you are grateful for on a weekly basis, has and continues to be a humbling process for me.

But let us take a moment to step back from the assumptions we make about people wanting to get help and recognize their courage, which frankly, does not come easily.

Let us not underestimate the inner strength and courage of a trauma breaker/ a mental health seeker. Not only have they endured years of having their emotions neglected but have stood in the face of it and have said: “This ends, NOW.” And in doing so, breaking what would be the next cycle of perpetuated generational trauma.

In encouraging them to honor the emotions that come to them and embrace the power that comes with prioritizing their emotional needs, we build an army of people who not only intelligent but also resilient to face whatever life has to throw at them.

We are the composers of our own harmony.