Ask someone “How can I help you feel better?”, today.
The art of comforting, with care.
A couple of weeks ago, my father, unfortunately, tested positive for the Covid-19 virus, his conditioned weakened because of pneumonia- a side effect of the virus. He made it through this, thank goodness, and is healthy and thriving…after 34 days of hospitalization.
And no, this piece is not about his miracle journey.
It is about how, while he was in the hospital and we were distraught as a family, the people around us responded to our already heavily burdened heart. It is these many, many phone calls that I first began to hear words and sentences such “will”- you should prepare his will, “ready”- I think you should be ready for a worst-case scenario, “home cures”- did he try out the homemade cure for his cough? so on.
I have been trying to practice empathy ever since the year started, which involves giving the benefit of doubt to people. And here’s what my understanding of the situation was as I tried interpreting these conversations- Most of the well-wishers who said the above, were probably trying to comfort me in the best way known to them. And while I appreciate the thoughts more than I did the words, it got me thinking.
Do we really know how to comfort people when they are not in the best of situations?
Why is it so hard to find the right words, or, what do the right words even look like?
It’s hard not to feel at a loss for words. When someone you care about or know is grieving, words never seem to be enough. Expressing your care and support, though, could do a world of good for both the other person and yourself. Though some pay may say that there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to help someone grieve, there are definitely things you can say that can do some damage — even inadvertently.
Let us get some of the things that may cause damage, out of the way.
1. Comparing losses: “I know exactly how you feel…my parent/sibling/ friend was also in the same situation.” No dear friend, processing feelings do not work the same way for everyone. It isn’t comforting and leaves the other person feeling as if you are trying to minimize their pain.
2. Trying to “fix” the person’s emotions: “We all have to deal with ups and downs of life-chin up”, or “It’s all a part of God’s plan- look at the brighter side of things.” — Firstly, if you want to be a source of comfort to someone, telling them to ‘chin up’ is probably not the most comforting line. Scratch that. It is NOT. So is telling them its God’s plan. At a time when the human heart is already burdened and the person is thinking of how to make it to tomorrow, sanely- telling them that this is all a part of a plan by a higher power to get their life back on track, is not the best of ways to a calm a tired soul. People have their own way of practicing their beliefs and having a brief moment of weakness in your faith when life is beating you down, makes you human-not flawed. Remember, the objective is to LISTEN and not offer an opinion.
3. Connecting with them with funeral arrangements, or wills- for the living: I cannot begin to stress enough how much more disturbing this can get when you are already exhausted, mentally, and emotionally. No matter how well-intentioned, it causes the mind to start thinking about scenarios that may not even occur, which is not helpful because if unforeseen circumstances, you need to find whatever little power you have and focus on managing things.
But on the other, there were a lot of things that helped me throughout the entire process. So I thought, why not write it down?
1. Being heard: Sometimes the best thing you can offer to someone who is going through the muck is to listen and make the other person feel heard. Being assured that it is okay to talk about his or her feelings and those feelings may be absolutely legitimate at that point of time, is seriously under-practiced. Although you cannot erase any of those uncomfortable or even unfamiliar feelings, you can provide a great deal of comfort by being there to listen.
2. Being checked-in on: Call/messages to see how I was doing and other offers to help (“Is there anything I can do for you?” or “I’m here for you if you need anything”) simply reminded me that I was cared for and would continue to be, even when I did not respond.
3. Being reminded that “It was OK to be lost”: There is no right or wrong way to process a completely challenging and emotionally exhausting situation. People have different coping mechanisms and finding a balance between responding to a new situation, keeping a check on your emotions, and being practical while handling the challenges that each new day brings- can all be a bit too much at times, leaving one feeling a little lost. Hence, hearing those words gave me permission to mourn and flounder if I needed to — and breathe.
4. Being asked, “How can I help you feel better?”: And while this may be the last point in this piece, it is also one of the most important ones for me. It was during one of the “feeling lost” moments one morning, unsure whether my father would be released from the hospital, did I hear a friend asking me, “ Jo, how can I help you feel better at this moment?” No opinion, no advice, and no judgment. And it is at this precise moment that I realized that no matter how unsure I was feeling at that moment, I still had the choice to make myself feel better, simply by deciding to do so.
You see, when you’re given the option of exercising your choice, without an opinion, it gives you a legitimized agency, an outlet or name it whatever you want to call it- to know that even if things really do go downhill, the decision to move forward is yours make to. The manner and pace and time at which you want to do it is also yours to make.
It is truly in these little moments that you begin to realize how self-sufficient you can be because let’s face it, not all of us can be a people’s person all the time. We shouldn’t have to be. Fully embrace the situation, allow people in AND also know that it is okay to have your boundaries, even when things aren’t alright.
And if you know someone who is going through something difficult today and cannot figure out the right words to comfort them, ask them “How can I help you feel better?” today.
Comfort someone today, but with care.
